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PRICE. 25 CENTS
ONASIOWTMIN
THR0U6]
ARMNiAW
J
':fe^
"''>'%'W^'
M
FUNNY
RAILROAD
STORIES
SAYINGS
OF THE
SODTHEBN BAHKIES
'AtLTHElffiSIAND
BIST MNSIHE JOSES
OF THE DAY
THOMAS W. JACKSON.
On a Slow Train
Through Arkansaw
By THOS. W. JACKSON
FUNNY RAILROAD STORIES— SAYINGS OF THE
SOUTHERN DARKIES— ALL THE LATEST
AND BEST MINSTREL JOKES
OF THE DAY
THIS BOOK SENT POST PAID TO ANY
ADDRESS ON RECEIPT OF 25 CENTS
THOS. W. JACKSON, Publishei
CHICAGO, ILL.
Copyright 1903
BY
THOS. W. JACKSOl!^
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
I
M. A. DONOHUE A CO., PRINTEni AND BINDEftB, 407-4SS DEARBORN ST., CHICAGO.
On a Slow Train Through
Arkansaw
You are not the only pebble on the beach for
there is a little rock in Arkansaw. It was down
in the state of Arkansaw I rode on the slowest
train I ever saw. It stopped at every house.
When it come to a double house it stopped twice.
They made so many stops I said, "Conductor,
what have we stopped for now? " He said, "There
are some cattle on the track." We ran a little
ways further and stopped again. I said, "What
is the matter now? " He said, " We have caught
up with those cattle again." We made pretty
good time for about two miles. One old cow got
her tail caught in the cow-catcher and she ran
off down the track with the train. The cattle
bothered us so much they had to take the cow-
catcher ofif the engine and put it on the hind end
of the train to keep the cattle from jumping up
in the sleeper. A lady said, "Conductor, can't
this train make any better time than this?"
He said, "If you- ain't satisfied with this train,
you can get off and walk." She said she would,
only her folks didn't expect her till the train got
there. A lady handed the conductor two tickets,
one whole ticket and a half ticket. He said,
5
6 On A Slow Train Throu^ Arkansas
"Who is the half ticket for?" She said, "My
boy." The conductor said, "He's not a boy;
SffHK 8r,@W TBAJN
On A Slow Train Through Ar'kansaw ^
he's a man. Under twelve, half fare, over
twelve, full fare." She said, "He was tinder
twelve when we started."
The news agent came through. He was an
old man with long gray whiskers. I said, "Old
ON THE SLOW TBAIN
man, I thought they always had boys on the
train to sell the pop com, chewing gum and
candy," He said he was a boy when he started.
They stopped so often one of the passengers tried
to commit suicide. He ran ahead for half a mile,
laid down on the track, but he starved to death
before the train got there.
S On A Slow Train Through Arkansas
We had a narrow escape of being killed. Just
as we got on the middle of a high bridge the_ en-
gineer discovered it was on fire, but we went right
across. Just as the last car got over, the bridge
fell. I said, "Conductor, how did we ever get
across without going down?" He said, "Some
train robbers held us up."
We ran a little further and stopped again. Some
one asked the co'nductor what was wrong. He
said a cow had kicked the fireman in the jaw.
The engineer had stopped to tie the cow's foot up.
The conductor collected half fare from a lady
for her little girl. It made her so mad she asked
the conductor what that said on his cap. He
said, "Train conductor." She said it ought to be
"Train robber." He said he only took what
was fare.
There was a lady on the train with a baby.
When the conductor asked her for her ticket, she
said she didn't have any, the baby had swallowed
it. The conductor punched the baby.
There were three kinds of passengers who rode on
that train. First class, Second class and Third
class. I said, "Conductor, what is the difference
between the First class and Third class passengers,
they are all riding in the same car?" He said,
"Just wait a while and I will show you." We
ran a little ways and stopped again. The con-
ductor came in and said, "First class passengers,
keep your seats ; Second class passengers, get off
and walk; Third class passengers, get off and
push."
For a crooked road, she was the limit. In
order to get the engine around the curves they
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 9
had a hinge in the boiler. The fireman had a
wooden leg and was crossed-eyed, half of the
time he was shoveling coal in the headlight in-
stead of the fire-box. It was so crooked we met
ourself coming back. The curves were so short
they called them comers. The engineer had to
shave every day to keep the rocks from knocking
oflE his whiskers.
The conductor was the tallest man I ever saw.
I said, "Conductor, what makes you so tall?"
He said it was because he had had his leg pulled
so often. He said he was bom in the top of a
ten story building. He came high, but they had
to have him.
He said he had been running on that road for
thirty years, and had only taken in one fare,
that was the World's Fair.
An old lady said to the porter, "Are you the
colored porter?" He said, no, he wasn't colored
he was bom that way. She said, "I gave you
a dollar, where is my change?" He said, "This
car goes through; there is no change."
There was a Dutchman on the train, he was
trying to ride on a meal ticket. The conductor
told him he would have to pay his fare. He said,
"How much does it cost to ride to the next sta-
tion?" The conductor said, "Thirty cents."
The Dutchman said, " I will give you twenty-five."
The conductor told him it would cost him thirty.
The Dutchman said, "Before I will give more
than twenty-five I will walk." The conductor
stopped the train and put him off. The Dutch-
man ran ahead of the engine and started to walk.
The engineer began to blow the whistle. The
19 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
Dutchman said, " You can vissel all you vant, I
wont come back."
There was an old man and woman on the train
by the name of Jessup. There happened to be a
place where the train stopped by the name of
Jessup's Cuv. The old man went to the car ahead.
When the brakeman came in and hollered, "Jes-
sup's Cut!" the old woman jumped up and holler-
ed, "My Grod! who cut Jessup?"
They ran a little ways further and stopped again.
Somebody said, "Conductor, what have we stop-
ped for now?" He said, "We have reached the
top of the hill. It is now down grade; we will
make a Httle better time and have an entire
change of scenery." And so we did.
"Are you married?"
"Yes, I married a spirituaHst."
"How are you getting along?"
"Medium."
I hear the;-- are going to vaccinate the entire
police force of Chicago.
I don't see what they want to do that for,
a policeman never catches anything.
"We had a big wooden-wedding over at our
house."
"How was that?"
" My sister married a blockhead."
" Do you know that my sister is a duchess now?"
"No. How did she come to be a duchess?';
"She man-ied a Dutchman."
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw ii
" I got a letter from father the other day. He
has gone in the hog business. I wrote and told
told him that there was lots of money in hogs, to
stay with it."
"What do you know about hogs?"
" I know all about hogs ; I was raised with them."
"You must be from Missouri."
" Do you think that Shakespeare wrote all those
plays that they say he did?"
" I don't know, I never thought much about it,
but when I die, if I am fortunate enough to go to
Heaven, I will ask him."
"In case he ain't there, then what?"
"Oh, well! then you ask him.'.'
"My girl is a dressmaker; she makes wrappers
for cigars. There is just one thing wrong with
her; she is cross-eyed. She is a good girl; she is
honest but she looks crooked."
"Do you read the papers?"
"Yes."
" Have you noticed the number of railroad acci-
dents that have happened lately? Just the other
night at a wedding it so happened that Johnny
Carr was going to be me tried to a young lady of
the same name. Just as the preacher was pro-
nouncing the ceremony a rifle baU came through
the window, struck the preacher in the breast and
killed' him;"
"Well, what has that got to do with a railroad
accidait?"
"They say he was killed while coupling cars.
" Only yesterday at the hotel I am stopping at,
12 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
one of the chamber-maids was foxmd lying in a
room dead; her false hair had come down, wrap-
ped around her neck and choked her to death.
They say her death was caused by a misplaced
switch."
The only difference between you and a man
that takes the wool off a lamb's back and dyes
it is, he is a lamb's dyer and you are a d 1 — .
What is the difference between that ten dollars
you owe me and Tennessee.
What is the difference?
Tennessee I will see. The ten you owe me I
will never see.
There was a little town on the line called Holder.
There was a newly married couple on the train.
They were holding hands and warming right up
to one another when the brakeman came in and
hollered, "Holder! Holder!" He said it was all
right if he did, they were married.
The conductor told a fellow that the next place
was where he got off. He said, " Which end of the
car shall I get off of?" The conductor said,
"Either one; both ends stop."
There was a young fellow on the train. He
couldn't get a seat. He was walking up and down
the aisle and swearing. There was a preacher in
the car. He said, "Young man, do you know
where you are going, sir? You are going straight
to Hell." He said, "I don't give a dam; I've
got a round trip ticket."
The brakeman came in and hollered, "Twenty
minutes for dinner!" When the train stopped
we all rushed for the dining-room, I ordered two
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 13
soft boiled eggs. When the waiter brought them
in, she opened one and said, "Shall I open the
other?"
I said, "No, open the window."
She said, "Ain't the eggs all right?"
I said, " Yes, they are all right, but I think they
have been mislaid."
One fellow in the excitement drank a cup of
yeast thinking it was buttermilk. He rose im-
mediately.
A FOUE MILE EUN
The waiter was handing me my coffee just as
the conductor was hollering, "All aboard." She
slipped and fell and spilled the coffee down my
14 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
back. When she got up she said, "Excuse me,
will you have some more?"
I said, "No, you can bring me an umbrella."
When I looked out I saw the train was going.
It was down grade, I had to run it for four miles ;
caught the hind car; just as I pulled myself up
on the steps the train stopped, backed in on the
siding and laid four hours to take on wood.
When we started a yoting lady asked the con-
ductor if her uncle would meet her at the depot
when she got off. Of course he was supposed to
know.
At one place we stopped a fellow ran up to the
conductor and said, "Is this my train ? ' ' He said,
"I don't think so. The company has got their
name on it." The fellow said, "I am going to
take it." The conductor said, "You want to be
careful about that, for there has been several
trams missed here lately."
The stations were so close together when they
stopped at one they had to back up to whistle for
the next.
There were some of the wealthiest ladies on
that train I ever saw. The train stopped, one lady
said to the other, "This is your town, and the next
one is mine."
Pretty soon they hollered out, " Skeetersville I "
That was my town where I got off. I saw a sign
that read "Hotel." I went over and registered.
They gave me a room on the first floor, that is
from the roof. It was one of those rooms when
you rent it the roof uses it. When I went to bed
I had a creeping sensation come over me. I got
up and told the landlord that there were bugs^in
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaiv 15
the bed. He said there wasn't a single bed-
bug in the house ! I told him that he was right
about it, they were all married and had large
families.
I remember the hotel was on the bluff and it
was rtin on bluff. Skeetersville was a very appro-
HOTEL SCENE IN AKKANSAW
priate name for the place, for the musquitors was
all there. They would come around and look
on the register to see what room you had. The
landlord told me he had just adopted a new set of
rules. He handed me a list of them. They read
something like this:
Rule One : In order to prevent the guests from
carrjmig fruit from the table, there will be no
1 6 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
Married men without baggage will leave their
wives in the office.
Old and feeble gentlemen will not be allowed
to play in the halls.
Guests will not be allowed to use Indian clubs
or dumbbells in their rooms. If they want exercise
they can go in the kitchen and beat the steak.
I set right up to the table and beat mine.
Guests will not be allowed to tip the waiters,
as it is liable to cause them to break the dishes.
(I promise you there was no dishes broken while I
was there.)
Guests at this hotel wishing fine board, will
please call for saw dust. Biscuits found riveted
together can be opened with a chisel furnished
by the waiter. The use of dynamite is positively
prohibited.
Guests needn't mind paying their board, as
the hotel is supported by a good foundation.
Guests on retiring at night will leave their
money with the night clerk, for he will get it
anyhow.
If you want the bellboy, wring a towel.
If you get hungry during the night, take a roll
in bed.
Base-ball players wanting exercise will find a
pitcher on the table.
If you want to write take a sheet off the bed.
If you find the bed to be a little buggy and you
have a nightmare, just hitch the mare to the
buggy and drive off.
The landlord took me out for a drive. There is
some fine farms down there. He showed me a
farm that you could raise anything on. He said
On A Slow Tram Through Arkansaw 17
they could raise potatoes as large as your head.
They could raise cabbage that would weigh over
a hundred, pounds. I said, "This is certainly a
remarkable country. How do you account for it
all?"
He said, " It is the climate. That is the secret
of it all. It is the climate." I said, "Old man,
do you know that in the City of Chicago there is a
building that is twenty-two stories high that
hasn't got any stairs or elevator to it?"
"How do they get up in it?"
"They climb it."
He said, "Do you know, that all we need in
this coimtry is a little more rain and a little better
society." I said, "That is all that Hell needs."
I had only been there about a week when the
landlord told me I had been bombarding against
his house. I told him I hadn't been doing any
bombarding, but I had been doing some bum
boarding.
You couldn't get a square meal. They fed us
on rotmd tables.
CONUNDRUMS.
Did you ever hear the story about the black
crow? No, I never did. It's a bird.
Did you ever hear the story about the two holes
in the ground. No. Well, well.
What is the greatest neglected vegetable in the
world. A policeman's beat.
Why is a pocket handkerchief like a ship at sea?
Because it gets many a hard blow and occasionally
goes around the honi,.
i8 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
b,''
Why are eggs always cheaper on the docks?
Because the ships lay to.
Suppose you should break your knee, where
should you go to get another ? To Africa, that is
where the negroes.
Can you tell me the difference between a pair of
pants and a pie?
What is the difference?
A pair of pants has to be cut before they are
made: a pie has to be made before it is cut.
Why is a horse with his head hanging down like
next Monday?
Because its neck's weak.
Why does a hen lay an egg? Because it is
beyond the power of Carrie Nation to hatch it.
Suppose a lady should break her knee, where
should she go to get another? To Jerusalem,
where the Shee-neys grow.
Why do the stars in the American Flag rep-
resent the stars in Heaven? Because it is be-
yond the power of any nation on earth to pull
them down.
What is the difference between Christian Science
and a lean woman? One is a humbug, the other
is a bum hug.
If you kiss a young lady she calls it faith. If
you kiss a married woman she calls it hope. If
you kiss an old maid she calls it charity.
My next stop was Pottsville. When I got there
the county fair was going on. It looked hke
Foiirth of July. Talk about the streets of Cairo '
they wasn't in it with Pottsville. T went out to
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 19
the fair grounds. I met a one-legged man selling
lead pencils. I asked him how business was. He
said he couldn't Idck.
I saw a fellow turning a hand-organ with a sign
on his hat that said, "Help me, I am blind." I
said to him, " How do I know you are blind? You
prove to me you are blind, and I will give you a
quarter." He said, " Let me see the quarter."
I went a little ways further; saw a sign that
said, " Forttmes told " ; went in and had mine told.
The fortune teller looked at my hand and told
mine. He said I was going ,to get married and
have lots of clothes. I asked him how he could tell.
He said by my clothes line. He told me I had
been eating onions. How do you suppose he
knew that? I told him I hadn't breathed it to a
soul except him. He said that I would be without
money until I was forty years old and then I
would be used to it.
I saw a lot of fellows throwing balls at babies.
You get a cigar for every baby you hit. I throwed
for ten minutes, and never hit a baby. I began
to get homesick right away. I suppose it was
because I missed the children.
I went to the postoffice. There I saw some signs
that read, "Postoffice open from now till then."
"From here to there." "Pistol cards for sale."
"Leave your address with the undertaker."
"Stamp your letters and not your feet." " Lick
the stamps and not the Post Master." "Office
closes at six o'clock on the last Saturday of each
week." " By order of the Post Hole office man."
A man came in and said to the Post Master, " Is
there a letter here for me?" The Post Master
20 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
said, "What is the name, please?" He said,
"Louder." The Post Master said, "I want to
know your name." He said, "Louder. J. H.
Louder. If you wasn't working _for Uncle Sam
I'd take a tooth pick and come around behind
there and clean your ears."
I went to the hotel, picked up a paper, read the
heading of a piece that said, "Big Railroad
Wreck. No one hurt! Ten Texas steers and a
brakeman killed!" The heading of another piece
read like this, " Big shoe store burnt in the East.
One thousand soles lost, all the heels were saved."
I read another piece that said, "A man jumped in
the river and committed suicide ! They say there
was a woman at the bottom of it!"
I read some of the advertisements.
One read, "Wanted, yoiuig lady to work in a
bakery. She must be from the East and well bred
and she will get her dough every Saturdaj?- night."
Another read, "Wanted a man and wife to work
on a farm. They must speak German and French
and understand horses and cows."
"Young man wants position in bank handling
money. Has no objections to leaving town."
" A man that never done a day's work in his life
wants a position as night watchman."
" Large dog for sale Will eat anything. Very
fond of children."
While I was there I was arrested for gambling.
The judge fined me ten dollars. I said : "Judge, I
wasn't playing for money, I was playing for chips."
He said chips was just the same as mone3^ So I
gave him ten dollars worth of chips.
In Arkansaw they believe in doing everything
2 2 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
right. I stopped at a place where there was one
doctor, two shoe makers and a blacksmith. The
doctor killed a man. They didn't want to be
without a doctor, so they hung one of the shoe
makers.
I stopped at one place where they had lost all
track ofthe day of the week. They were holding
church on Monday for Sunday. Some of the
people down there have a queer way of naming
their children. I stopped with a family that had
two twin boys. One was named Pete and the
other Repete. At another place they had two
twin girls. One they called Kate, the other Du-
plicate. I stopped with a family by the name of
Wind. They had a daughter. Her name was
Helen Augusta Wind.
We came to a sign in the forks of a road that
read like this, "Take the right hand road for the
distillery. If you can't read, ask the blacksmith. ' '
At another place I was at they were going to have
an entertainment. It was to be home talent, of
course. I received an invitation and was also
asked to take part in the play, which I agreed to
do. They put my name on the program, and, of
course, I was expected to do something. I re-
member the first number on the program was a
young lady. She came out to sing. She had a
kind of a Montana voice. It was a beaut. It
was Hell-ena. She had it vaccinated but it didn't
take.
The next was a young fellow. He sang a song
that was dedicated to the milkmen of that place,
entitled, " Shall We Gather at the River." When
he started to sing the boys went out and got a lot
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw ^3
of duck eggs and throwed them at him. You
ought to have seen him duck eggs.
They have a different way of encoring you down
there. They don't clap their hands when they
want you to come back. They all holler, "Come
back." When we got through they hollered,
"Come back! Come back!" One big fellow
dared him to come back.
It came my turn next. I said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, I will recite you a little poetry. I will
take for my subject, "The Lights."
" The lights that shine tonight in this grand theater
Are not as bright as the lights that shine tonight in
Denver, Colorata."
They wanted me to sing. I told them I had just
received a message saying I had a very bad cold.
They insisted I should sing anyhow. I agreed to
sing. I said the first part of the song is awfully
simple. The second part is simply awful. If you
have any tears to shed go to the wood-shed and
shed them. When I started to sing I received the
greatest ovation of eggs that anybody ever re-
ceived. I hollered "Fowl!" Before I got half
way through the song over half of the audience
was on the stage. They said if they could find a
rail they wotdd show me a trick. They lifted me
up on their shotilders and escorted me to the city
limits and told me not to come back and I didn't
come back. I kept on going until I got to Fort
Smith, When I got there the first place I came
to was a saloon. I walked right in and called for
a glass of seltzer. The bartender poured it out
and set it on the bar, I heard a noise on the out-
side, I walked to the door to see what it was.
''*4 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
When I came back my seltzer was gone. There
was no one there but the bartender and myself ;
I Icnew he must have taken it. I hit him. In
came a policeman and arrested me. He took me
down to the jail, opened up a door and said,
"This is your cell, sir."
I found it to be a perfect sell. The windows,
they were great. I was just surrounded with bars
and (Couldn't get a drink. United States court is
held there for the Indian Territory. All the tough
characters are brought there for trial. They usu-
ally have a hanging about every Friday. There
are a great many people who leave Fort Smith by
the rope route. There is a scaffold in the jail yard
that accommodates ten at once. The hangman is
an old man. He has the distinction of being the
champion hangman of the world. He has sprung
the trap on eighty-seven men and has shot to
death seven. When he gets them on the scaffold
he hollers, "Get your feet up even!" When he
puts the rope around their necks he tickles them
under the chin and tells them he is going to make
angels out of them.
While I was in Fort Smith a policeman found a
man lying on the sidewalk who had fainted, he
took him to the police station. When he got
there he discovered the man was dead. They
searched him and found a six-shooter and forty
dollars. The policeman took the six-shooter ; the
judge fined him forty dollars for carrying con-
cealed weapons.
Look at the condition of the working mnn to-
day, where is he? The tinners are continually
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 25
going up the spout. The plumbers are always
in the gutter. The paper-hangers are up against'
the wall. The bakers are compelled to raise the
dough. The police has to be on the beet in order
to live. The shoe-makers have to work on their
uppers and they get waxed in the end. The
clock-makers are rtm on tick and they are never
on time. The old washwoman is always in soak
and she is the only one you see hanging out on
the line.
When I left Fort Smith I remember it was on a
Friday night. The 13th day of the month. I
had berth 13, and there was a cross-eyed porter
on the car. There was a newly married cotiple
in the next berth to me. Dtiring the night she
wanted a drink of water." She said, "John, get
up and get me a drink of water." He said, " Dear,
you get up and get it." She said, "How will I
know what berth you are in when I come back?"
He said, "I will stick my foot out in the aisle."
When she came back every man in the car had his
foot sticking out in the aisle.
The next morning the porter brushed my clothes.
I thanked him.
He said, "Look hyer, boss! You is the sixth
man I'se brushed off dis mawnin'; I ain't seen
any dust yet."
I said, "There has been over a hundred porters
brushed my clothes; none of them ever got any
dust out of them."
He said, "You shore carries de dust in your
pocket."
The next morning I was riding m the chair car.
26 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
There was a fellow sitting along side of me. He
seemed to be mighty sleepy. I said, "Did you
take a berth last night?" He said, "Yes, but I
had an upper berth, and had to get up before I
went to bed." I said, "Do you see that scar on
my face? That is my berth mark." "How is
ALL FEET LOOKED ALIKE TO HEE
that?" "I took a sleeper not long ago and got
in the wrong berth."
A boy fell over a lady's valise and said he was
just getting over the grip.
There were two brakemen on the train. One
'"as "i new man making his first trip. The old
On A Slow Tram Through Arkansaw 27
brakeman said to the new one, "I will call the
station in one end of the car, and ' you call the
THE SLOW TRAIN ON A DOWN GRADE NIGH LITTLE BOCK,
GWIEN A PBKTY GOOD HICKERY
same in the other end." When the train whistled
for the station the old brakeman came in and
called out the na.me in the front end of the car.
28 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
The new brakeman in the hind end hollered, " The
same in this end!" The old brakeman told him
the name of the next station and said, "When
we get there you call the name in both ends of the
car." When the train whistled for the station
the new man came in the car. He started to call
the station, but had forgotten the name. He
stood for a moment, then said, "This is it, people;
this is it."
There were several prisoners on the train bound
for the states-prison at Little Rock. When we
got there we all knew it. The brakeman came in
and hollered, " Little Rock! Change clothes. Four
years for refreshments. Free conveyance to the
state house with all the latest improvements."
When I got off the train I stepped into a hack,
and told the driver to take me to a good hotel. He
started off with a sudden jerk. After he had drove
several blocks I stuck my head out of the door and
told him not to drive quite so fast, as I had on a
pair of bad shoes. He said, " What has that got to
do with me driving fast, you having on a pair of bad
shoes ? " I told him that when he started the bottom
dropped out of the hack and I had been running ever
since.
Little Rock is a very interesting place. I startetl
out to see some of the sights. I got on a street car
to take a ride. The car was crowded. I was
standing up in the aisle holding on to a strap when
the car struck a short curve. I fell over on a big,
fat lady's lap. She gave me a shove and said,'
"What are you, a Laplander or a Highlander?"
When the conductor came in I saw he was an old
friend of mine. I thought I would have a little chat
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw ^9
with him. I said, "It is a nice day." He said,
" Fair." I had my nickel in my mouth. The car
came to a sudden stop and I will be darned if I
didn't swallow the nickel. I was in an awful fix.
I went to see a doctor. He made me cough up two
dollars.
I next visited the Court House. They were try-
ing a fellow for biting off a man's ear. The judge
bound him over to keep the piece.
The next one was arrested for stealing a peck
measure. The Judge asked him what his business
was. He said he was a tailor. The judge said,
"You are discharged. If you are a tailor you have
a right to take any man's measure."
They brought another fellow in charged with
stealing nine bottles of beer. The judge told him
he would have to go back and get the other three.
He couldn't make a case out of nine.
The next one came up had been fighting. The
judge said, " What is your name ? " He said, " John
Smith." "What is your business?" He said he
was a locksmith. The judge said, "Ten dollars.
Locksmith up."
A policeman brought in three Chinamen and an
Irishman. The Chinamen had been smoking opium.
The Irishman was booked for getting drunk and
disturbing the peace. The judge said to the first
Chinaman, "What is your name?" He said, "Ah
Sin." "Thirty days." He said to the next China-
man, "What is your name?" He said, "Ah
Chung." "Thirty days." He said to the next
Chinaman, "What is your name?" He said, "Ah
Bung." "Thirty days." The judge said to the
3° On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
Irishman, "What is you name?" He said, "Ah
Hell, I suppose it is thirty days anyhow."
I think a married woman should take her name
from the position her husband holds in life. You
take a baker's wife ; she should be called Dora. A
shoemaker's wife should be called Peggie. A street
car conductor's wife you would call her Carrie. A
breweryman, he should have a wife with a cork
leg ; then he would get his hops for nothing. When
I marry I am going to call my wife muskmellon,
then she cantaloupe.
I had an old friend living in Little Rock by the
name of Work. I started out to find him. I was
standing on the street corner. A policeman asked
me what I was waiting for. I told him I was look-
ing for Work. He said, "If you are looking for
work go down to the City Hall and you can get a
job sweeping the streets if you are out for the dust."
I called him a lobster, then he pinched me.
I saw some funny things happen while I was in
Little Rock. I saw a runaway team come down the
street. It ran into a butcher wagon and knocked
the liver right out of it. Saw a fellow drive a team
over a man. After he got over him he stopped and
hollered, "Look out!" The fellow said, "What's
the matter? Are you coming back again?" I saw a
fellow running down the street. A policeman stop-
ped him and asked him if he was training for a race.
He said, "No, he was racing for a train."
Little Rock is noted for pretty girls. I met one
of the first girls of the town. That is, the first as
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 31
you drive in. Her name was Auto. 1 think she
was from Mobile. There was one thing about her
I didn't like. That was her feet. They were just
as long behind as they were in front. You couldn't
tell which way she was going. She was the most
bashful girl I ever saw. She wouldn't go by a
THE BASHFUL GIBL
lumber yard where there was undressed lumber.
She wouldn't even wear a watch because it had
hands. She wouldn't look at a band playing where
they had a bass drum. She said she wouldn't stand
and see any man beat his bearskin. She wouldn't
wear undressed kids. She even had pants made for
the table legs. We were out one evening and she
exposed her ignorance. We went into where there
'73,* a soda water fountain I called for an egg'
3-' On A Slow Tram Ihrougli Arkansaa
phosphate. She said she would take hers scram-
bled. We went to the theater. We were sitting
up in the gallery, a fellow came out on the stage
and began to roll up a carpet. All the boys began
to holler "Supe!" She said, "They are hollering
'soup,' let's go down and get some." After the
show I took her home. We started to play cards.
She held hearts and I held diamonds. Her father
came in. He wanted a hand. He held clubs. I
begged, he gave me one right across the head and
knocked me through the window. I sashed right
through. I took panes as I went out ; I went right
by the way of Glasgow. I asked the old man if
he didn't have a full hand. He said "Why, so?"
I said, 'It beat me."
Speaking of love. There is an object lesson
shown in making love. Very few know the true art
of making love. The way a young man should
make love to his girl is like this: He should drop
down on his knees before her and say :
"My Josafine, my Kerosine, my Gasoline, my Benzine, my
Vaseline, I come from above my station without hesitation
or preservation to ask you to become my relation so as to in-
crease the population in this great nation."
CONUNDRUMS.
Did you ever hear the story about the dirty
window.
No. What is it?
No use to tell it ; you couldn't see through it.
What is the best thing to tell a woman?
Nothing. -
It's all over the house
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 33
What?
The roof.
What is the best way to make a slow horse fast ?
Tie him to a post.
Johnson got arrested for stealing a pig.
How did they know he stole it?
The pig squealed on him.
That sticks you.
What?
Pin. '
That lets you out.
What?
The door.
I was invited to a party. I remember they played
several games, one they call, "Heavy, heavy hangs
over your head." Some one hiuig a baseball bat
over my head. They played a game called pins and
needles. There is a game you can get stuck at every
time. You can get lots of pointers. They played
a game called "Kissen."
Did you ever play that game? To kiss a young
lady it costs you fifty cents. To kiss a married lady
it costs twenty-five cents. Old maids three for ten.
Then we played that game called Christmas. That
is where everybody hangs up their stockings. The
first stocking belonged to a young lady from Boston.
She got in her stockings two lead pencils, and,
strange to say, they just fit. The next was a
young lady from Cincinnati. She got in her stock-
ings a bushel of potatoes. Strange to say, it just
fit. The next was a young lady from St. Louis.
She got in her stockings a barrel of flour, and,
strange to say, it just fit. The next one belonged
34 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
to a Little Rock girl. She got in her stockings a
ton of coal, and strange to say, it just fit. Next
came me. I didn't know they were going to play
that game. I didn't have on any stockings, so
I hung up my pants. I must have got a man in
them, for I had to go home in a barrel, and I think
they just fit, for I haven't seen them since.
Everybody had to recite a piece of poetry. The
first one started off something like this:
" 'Tis sweet to see a bumble-bee
When ere you go a fishing,
But if you sit right down on him,
He will change your disposition.''
And the next one:
" The rose is red, the violet's blue.
Where you see three balls you will see a Jew."
The next took a yoimg lady for a subject and said :
"Young lady enters car,
Ten men stands up, and thar you are."
The next one took an old maid for a subject:
" Old maid enters car,
Nary man stands up, and thax you are."
It came my turn next. I said:
"Whenever I marry it will not be for love or riches.
But I'll marry a girl that is six feet tall so she can wear the
breeches."
I met the Little family while I was down there.
There is Mr. Little and Mrs. Little, and they have
five children. Mr. Little only gets four dollars a
week, and I asked him how he managed to keep
such a large family on such a small salary, and
he said every Little helped.
I had an old friend living in Little Rock by the
name of Bumside. They said he lived over on the
North side. I went over to the North side to see
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 35
Bumside.x When I got over to the North side they
said Burnside had moved to the Southside. When
I got to the South side they said he had gone to the
West side. When I got to the West side they said he
had gone over to the East side. I went over to the
East side, they told me he had gone back to the
North side. I went to where he did reside and
knocked on the outside. They opened the door on
the inside, I inquired for Burnside. They said he
he had died. Then I cried. That's about all I
know about Burnside.
Me and yotir brother and another fellow were
choosing the other day what kind of wife we would
like to have in case we got married. Your brother
said when he got married he wanted a wife that was
like a Bible.
Why did he want a wife hke a Bible?
Because she would be seldom looked at.
The other fellow said he wanted a wife that was
like a piano.
Why did he want a wife like a piano?
Because she would be upright and grand.
I said when I got married I wanted a wife that
was like an almanac.
Why did you want a wife like an almanac?
Because I could get a new one every year.
How is your brother, the one we used to call
Sponge? The reason we called him Sponge, he
used to be all the time soaked.
How is yotu: brother, the one that steals?
I want you to understand, sir, that my brother
don't steal.
Yes he does steal, and I can prove it.
JO On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
Well, then, prove it.
The other night me and your brother was invited
down to the festival. We were awful hungry; your
brother was so hungry he couldn't wait ; at exactly
sixty minutes past seven he eight a clock. All the
nice silverware was spread out on the table. YoUr
brother stole a spoon and put it in his boot. They
kept watching so I couldn't get any ; determined not
AT THE CIECtJS
to be outdone by your brother, I picked up a spoon,
held it up in my hands and said, " Ladies and gentle-
men, I will show you a trick." I put the spoon in
my inside pocket and said, " Now you will find it over
there in that nigger's boot." They caught your
brother and took the spoon away from him.
There was a circus in town while I was there. 1
took my girl and went out to see it. All the boys
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw -jj
and girls were there. I saw one fellow take his girl
up to a lemonade stand and buy one glass of red
lemonade. He drank half of it, passed it over to
his girl she drank the other half. I saw another
fellow and his girl. He bought one dish of ice
cream and got two spoons. When we came to the
elephant my girl asked me what that big thing
was hanging down in front. I said, "That is his
trunk." She said, " It is a wonder he wouldn't open
it and put on a clean shirt." She said, "If that
big thing in front is his trunk, that little thing be-
hind (meaning his tail), must be his valise." There
was a lady and a little boy right next to me. When
they got to the cage where the baboon was the little
boy said, "Oh, mamma, look at papa." When I
came out a messenger boy came up to me and said
Ae was looking for L. E. Fant. I told him there were
several L. E. Fants in the tent.
When the circus got ready to leave town the rail-
road company refused to take the elephants because
they could not get their trunks checked.
I was standing on the street comer. There was
a funeral procession going by. It was an awful long
p^rocession. There must have been at least fifty car-
riages in line. There was a couple of railroad men
standing along side of me. One was a brakeman the
other an engineer. The brakeman said to the en-
gineer, " Who is dead? It must be some prominent
person." The engineer said, "No, it is just a rail-
road man." He said, " It must be an official then."
The engineer said, "No, it is just one of our engi-
neers." The brakeman said, " Well, if he ever looks
back and sees all that string behind him he will
double into the cemetery."
38 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
I met an old friend of mine I hadn't seen for a
good many years. We used to be boys together. It
was indeed a pleasure to talk of old times, ^''hen
we used to go out in the fields and see the grasshop-
pers making grass, and see the butterflies making
butter, see the caterpillars making cats and watch
the bumble bees making bums. He said, "Don't
you remember when you used to come by the old vil-
lage blacksmith shop and see me there shooing flies?"
I said, "Yes, don't you remember when we used to
go out and make mud pies and you used to eat 'em? "
I remember when we went to school the boys used
to call you big head. You came in the house one
day crying and told the teacher the boys had been
calling you big head. She said, " I wouldn't mind
that, Willie, there is nothing in it."
My friend looked as though he had seen better
days. He looked as though liquor had gotten the
best of him. I asked him in to have a drink with
me. We ordered ovir drinks. He poured his out
and held it up in his hand and said :
" This is what makes me wear old clothes.
Lie, beg and steal;
Get out in the street and much a meal;
Dig down in my pocket and spend my last dime,
And wear my summer clothes in the winter time,"
After we had talked over old times for a few min-
utes he said, " Well, have one with me." We called
for another drink ; he threw a dollar on the bar and
said:
"Bright silver dollar, gleaming there all alone,
All your boon companions have been spent and gone.
The most useful money ever issued, that is true;
All the rest has gone for iiquor, so I will just spend you."
Me and my friend walked out and were strolling
leisurely along the street when the fire bell rang.
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 39
People ran pell-mell from all directions. The fire
engine^came tearing down the street. Only a short
distali/ce away we saw a large building all ia flames.
We rushed to the spot. I heard a scream ; I looked
up and saw standing in a window a young girl wring-
ing her hands and b':gging to be saved. Every
avenue of escape was gone. I was horrified. I fell
back dumbfounded and stared ; my friend he stared ;
that made a pair of stairers ; the girl walked down
the stairs and went home.
When I left Little Rock my next stop was Hot
Springs. We made pretty good time on that road.
The waiter came in and hollered, "First and last
call for dinner in the dining car! The first car in
the rear. The only car. All those wishing to shake
hands with the knife and fork will please walk
back!" I proceeded to the dinner. There was a
feUow sitting at the table with me. It was very
evident from the way he acted he hadn't been ac-
customed to eating in a dining car. I looked ovei
the bill of fare. The waiter asked me what I would
have. I said, " Immaterial." He said he would take
the same. A fellow sitting at the next table ordered
turkey. When the waiter brought it in he was
carrying it on a tray filled with dishes. The train
struck a sharp ctirve. He slipped and fell and broke
all the dishes. The colored waiter was lying on the
floor. The conductor said, ' ' Look here, sir, you have
created an international disturbance. This is the
downfall of Africa, the spilling of Greece, the over-
throw of Turkey and the breaking up of China."
The waiter began to cry. He said it was the first
time he ever had a tray full beat.
, The -waiter brought me a steak. It was so tough
^o On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
I couldn't stick my fork in the gravy. I held it up
and said:
"Old ox, old ox! How came you here?
You have plowed the fields for many a year.
You have been kicked and cuifed with great abuse,
And now brought here for the railroad's use."
There was a gambler on the train. He was a
full-fledged gambler. ' He wanted to bet with every-
body. He wanted to bet with me. He said, " I will
BIG WRECK
bet you this train gets in late." I told him no, I
wouldn't bet. He said, " I bet you it gets in ahead
of time. ' ' I said, " No ! " Then he said, " I bet you it
don't get in at all." We ran a little way fiuther and
had a big wreck. The car we were in was smashed
all to pieces. I went up in the air about fifty feet.
When I was coming down I met the gambler going
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 41
up with his valise in his hand. When he passed me
he said, " I bet you five dollars I go higher than you
did."
I had heard a great deal about Hot Springs before
I got there. Most everybody has heard of Hot
Springs. That is a great place to go and get cured
of rheumatism. Most everybody that comes to Hot
Springs is a cripple in some way or the other. I
never saw so many crippled people in my life.
Twisted arms and legs. I met a cross-eyed man.
He looked crooked. I imagined I was in Cripple
Creek. At the hotel I stopped at they told me they
hadn't bought any wood for ten 5^ears. The crip-
ples that had come there and been cured had left
crutches enough to keep them in wood.
I was sick while I was there. I couldn't eat any-
thing. After I had gone to every house in town they
wouldn't let me eat. A particular friend of mine
came to me and advised me to leave town. He was
the chief of poHce. I felt so bad I went to see a
doctor. He said, " Do you want to be treated? " I
said, "Yes. That is, if you have it here in the office."
He said, "You don't understand me. I will ex-
amine you thoroughly for twenty dollars." I said,
"All right, go ahead, but if you find "it I want ten of
it." After he had examined me he said, " You want
to get glasses and wear them." I went down to a
place where they use glasses. I'd taken three, I
believe it was, when I'd started out. A fellow said,
" Have another one with me. ' ' I did and felt better,
too. The next day I felt sick again. Went to see
another doctor. He asked me what I had been
eating. I told him, "Nothing, only .some honey."
He said, " You have got the hives."
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 43
He would have been a good doctor but he didn't
have the patients. He told me that I would have to
take something. He said, " Go take something right
away." I went down the street. I saw a drunken
man. I took his watch. That was about all he had
with him. They had me arrested. When they
caught me the watch was still going. I went to see
a lawyer. He got the case ; I got the works.
Hot Springs is a very warm place. You hear
everybody talk about coming there to get boiled out.
There is nothing under a htmdred in the shade that
would interest a man there at all. The word zero is
unknown. It is so hot there in the summer time
the hens lay hard boiled eggs. I had a dream down
there. Dreamt I died, then the heat woke me up.
There are. some peculiar things about the climate
there. You can't raise water melons. The vines
grow so fast it wears the little ones off on the
ground. I went out with a fellow to plant cucum-
bers. The first thing I knew I was all tangled up in
the vines. Ran my hand in my pocket to get a knife
to cut the vines and pulled out a cucumber a foot
long.
I was arrested for carrying concealed weapons.
. They took me before the judge and searched me. All
they fotmd was a yeast cake. They fined me ten
dollars. I said, "Judge, that isn't concealed wea-
pons." He said, "It's a kind of a raiser." I said
" Give me the yeast cake and I will go out and see if
I can raise the dough."
I couldn't make the raise, so I wrote home for
money. I said:
44 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
Dear Father:
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Send me ten dollars and I will owe you.
The answer came something like this:
Roses are red, roses are pink,
Inclosed you will find ten dollars, I don't think.
They brought in a colored fellow for cutting
another colored man. The judge said, "What did
you cut that man f or ? " He said, ' ' I tell you, judge,
he had been sayin' some things 'bout me; when I
axed him 'bout it he said he was a hot coon from
Cynthy, but when I slit him up de back wif my
rahzar I don't think he was so warm." The judge
said, "A little louder." He said, "Yo heerd me."
The judge said, 'Six months." He said, "What's
that?" The judge said, "You heard me."
They next brought in a tramp. He had been ar-
/ested for sleeping in a coal house. The judge asked
hi"i Li he didn't find that a pretty hard bed. He
said no, it was soft coal. The judge said, " What is
your business?" He said he was a rough rider.
The judge said, "Where did you ever do any rough
riding ? " He said on the Missouri & Pacific railroad .
The judge asked him if he ever worked. He said
once. "What did you do?" He said he "layed
over r.. sliylight to keep the sim out." "Who are
you?" "My father was a hero, my mother was a
shcro, and I am a hobo." The judge said, "I sen-
tenced yon to jail for thirty days for setting fire to a
rock quarry." He said, " I refuse to go. Bring the
jail to me."
I received a letter from a cousin of mine in Klon-
dike. It read something like this:
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 45
Klondike, Septuber,
The 17th. Soktober, No Yonder,
My Dear Cousin: —
I take my pen in hand to let you know that we
don't Uve where we did, but we live where we have
moved. Your uncle, whom you love so well, is dead.
Hoping this will find you just the same. When he
died hejeft you $15,000. We will send it to you
just as quick as we can find it. He also willed you
$50,000 you- are to get when Dawson City dies.
They don't know the cause of his death, only that
all of his breath leaked out. The doctor gave up
all hopes of saving him when he died. Your aunt
is also dead. When she died she left $50,000 sewed
up in her bustle. What a lot of money to leave
behind. We have all got the mumps, we are having
a swell time. I sent you your black overcoat, and to
save the express charges I cut off the buttons.
You will find them in the inside pocket. Mother
is making sausages. All the neighbors are looking
for their dogs. Father is not in the pocket-book busi-
ness any more. He has gone into the stocking busi-
ness. They say there is more money in stockings these
days than pocket books. Your girl, whom you
thought was dead and in Heaven, is alive and in
Hell-ene, Montana. Her father said if you don't
send him that forty cents you owe him he will
scratch your nails out with his eyes. The Damn
family is still living at the same old place. Old
man Damn is sick. The old lady Damn is also
sick. The whole Damn family is sick. As I have
nothing more to write I will close — ^my face.
P. S.— If you don't get this let me know and I will
write again.
40 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
A coon that has lost his home, in other words,
his meal ticket. He goes up and knocks on his
girl's door.
She says, "Who's dar?"
"It's me honey."
"Who's me?"
"It's yo' Charlie. Com open de door, hun."
"What do yo' want?".
A COON THAT HAS LOST HIS HOME
" I just want to tell yo' how much I luv's yo'."
" Yo' had better tell it through de door den, fo'
I'se done got a good job cooking fo' de white folks.
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 47
I gets three dollars a week. I ain't gwine to 'low
yo' to com between me and my work."
"Say, honey, let me in. It's cold out here^ and
it's snowin'."
" Yo' knowed it was cold befo' yo' went out dar.
I tole yo' 'way long last summer when yo' was kyin'
round here dat winter was comin' on."
" Say, honey, if yo' will just let me in I will git a
job and I'll work aU de time."
" Niggah, I'se done tole yo' I wasn't gwine to let
yo' sip'rate me from my work."
"Just stick yo' head over de transom den, and let
me tell yo' how much I luv's yo'."
" I ain't gwine to stick my head out at no transom,
for I knows yo' is fixin' to boimce a rock on it."
" I tell yo' it is cold out here, and I wants in."
" If it is too cold out dar yo' had better make some
"^rangements wif de wedder."
" Look here now, I'se gittin' mad. If yo' don't
open dat door I'se gwine to kick it down."
Another nigger on the inside says, "Say, Liza,
gimme my hat. I'se gwine to go."
"What yo' want to go for? It ain't nobody but
Charlie, and yo' is twice as big as him."
" Yes, but Charlie carries de diffunce 'round in his
pocket."
" Yo' better not jump out of dat window, niggah.
Dar's a buU dog in dat back yard."
"I doan' care if dar's a yard full of bull dogs."
"Why doan' yo' go out de front way? Dar's no-
body out dar but Charlie, and he's only one."
"Yo' ain't counted Charlie lately."
" Go on out de front way. Charlie ain't gwine to
bodder yo\'[
48 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
" If I go out de front way de'U be walkin' slow be-
hind me tomorrow."
" Look here, if yo' doan open this door I'll kick it
down, and I'll bust de nose off yo' face."
" I bet if yo' do, yo' will run ever' time yo' sees a
nose, and yo' will run so fas' yo' ankles '11 git so hot
dey will bum yo' legs up."
I was walking up the street. I heard a little
bird singing. I said to myself, "That little bird is
singing for me." A fellow behind me said it was
singing for him. I said, " No, it is singing for me."
He hit me and I hit him. A policeman arrested us ;
took us up before the judge. He asked me what
I had to say. I said I was walking up the street and
I heard a little bird singing. I said it was singing
for me. He said it was singing for him. He hit me
and I hit him. The judge said, " Ten dollars each.
It wasn't singing for either one of you. It was
singing for me."
I just had five dollars left ; went in a restaurant ;
bought a five dollar meal ticket; came out on the
sidewalk ; was cottnting up how many meals I could
eat when the fire bell rang. A big fellow ran against
me; knocked my meal ticket down on the side-
walk and stepped on it. He had nails in his boots
and punched out four dollars and eighty cents.
I was walking up the street. Saw a basket of
eggs setting in front of a store. I never wanted an
Jgg so bad in my life. I picked up an egg and started
up the street. The man that owned the egg saw me,
and was coming right behind me. Didn't want him
to catch me with the egg. so I tjut it in my mouth
On A Slow Tram Through Arkansaw 40
He walked up and slapped me on the back. Well,
I'll be darned if I didn't swallow the egg. I was in
an awful fix. I was afraid to move around for fear
the egg would break. I was afraid to stand still for
fear it would hatch.
I went to church. Just as they arose to sing the
closing hymn somebody hollered fire. In the ex-
citement I jumped out of a window and was ar-
rested for making a dive out of a church.
A gambler went into a pawn shop to borrow
some money. He was well acquainted with the Jew
that ran the place. He told the Jew he would like to
borrow fifty dollars for a few days and would give
him his note. He let him have the money. When
the note became due the gambler went in and told
him that he had been playing in some hard luck and
didn't have the money at present, but would have it
in a few days and would come aroimd and pay him.
The Jew said, "Veil, I haf your note, I vant my
money." The fellow said, " I haven't got it. I can't
pay you until I get it." The Jew said, " Veil, but I
haf your note. I vant my money. Here vas your
note." The fellow got mad, pulled out a pistol
pointed it at the Jew's head, and said, " You eat that
note or I will kill you." Ths. Jew ate the note. In
a few days the gambler got the money; came
arotrnd and paid him. The Jew said, "You vas
a good fellow, you vas all right. Whenever you vant
any more money come to me." In a few days the
fellow wanted to borrow some more money. He
came to the Jew; told him he would like to give
his note for fifty dollars for a few days. He said,
all right. He started to write it out. The Jew said,
so On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
"Mine friend, vait a minute. Vould you just as
soon write it on a ginger snap?"
I saw a fellow hit a Jew and knock him down.
The Jew got up and said, " Do it again." The fellow
knocked him down again. The Jew got up and said,
HE SAID 'HIT ME-AGAIN"
'Do it again." The fellow knocked him down
again. A policeman came up and arrested them.
He said to the Jew, " What did you want that fellow
to keep knocking you down for?" The Jew said,
" Because every time he hit me I saw a diamond."
I saw many comical things among the colored
people in Hot Springs. I was strolling through tJae
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 51
suburbs of the town one day and I heard an old col-
ored woman say, " Look here, 'Liza, you better come
away from that straw stack you will git de hay
fever. Cum in de house and scum dem 'lasses, yo'
A WAY DOWN SOUTH
better not spill any either. If yo' does I'll stomp
yo' in de ground
" Look heah, you George Washington, what I done
already tole you 'bout being roimd heah Sunday
mawnin' bar futed? Chile, yo' know don't who yo'
is named aftah. Yo' Authur cum heah and quit yo'
52 On A Slow Train Through Arkansqw
playing wid dsm poor white trash. Dey lick de
'lasses off your hand de» call yo' nigger."
There w&s a young colored fellow coming down
th# street, He had jutt got a new watch. He saw
another colored fellow he knew coming. He wanted
the other fellow to know h§ had a new watch. The
other fellow said to him, "Whar is yo' gwine?"
" Whar is I gwine? I'se gwine just whar I'se gwine,
dat whar I'se gwine. Bf yo' wants a watch, go buy
~ yo'se'f a watch and doan' cum foolLn' wid a gentle-
man on de street." " Look hare. Yo' better hush
up and quit yo' foolin' and go on. De fuet ting yo'
knows I m gwine to cut yo' to de fat."
I overheard a convergation between two old col-
ored ladiei that met on the street going in opposite
directiong. Neither one stopped. They said : ' Good
evenin', Mrs, Tones." "Good evenin', Mrs. Brown."
" How's all yo' folks? " " AH our folks i$ well 'cept
Sam and Stm he's got de lumbago." " De lumbago ?
De good God. Che-he'he-ha-ha-hah, Yo' all cum
down iometime," "We will, thank yo', Yo' all
cum down too." " Bough'hu-wah-hah-ge he he he."
Down there the colored people have a new way of
learning their children at school. They just say,
" Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de-a. Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de-
b. Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de-c. Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-
de-d."
I met a colored man there from Chicago. He said
he didn't like it down south. He said the people
there let you know you are colorgd. He said in
Chicago you don't know you are colored unless you
look in the glagg,
I was sitting in front of a hotel when an old man
drove up and asked the landlord if he wanted to buy
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 53
some fresh country butter. He said, "Wait a min-
ute and I will ask my wife." He went to the tele-
phone and asked his wife if she wanted to buy some
butter. When he came back the old man said, " I
know I look pretty green, but if you think you can
make me beheve your wife is in that little box you
are badly mistaken."
I saw a tramp go up to a house and knock on the
door. When the lady opened the door the tramp
asked her if she would give him something to eat.
She brought out some dry bread and told him that
was all she had and would give it to him for God's
sake. He asked her if she wouldn't " Put some but-
ter on it for Christ's sake."
I stopped at a place where they were raising a sub-
scription for the purpose of fencing in a cemetery.
Every one had donated very liberally except one
fellow. He was opposed to fencing it in for two rea-
sons. He said, " In the first place there was no one
in the graveyard that could get out; in the second
place there was no one out that wanted to get in."
There was a stuttering man rtmning a blacksmith
shop. Another stuttering man went into the shop
who wanted to learn the blacksmith trade. The
blacksmith heated a horse shoe red hot He told
the other stuttering fellow to hit it. He said, ' ' Wha-
wha-wha-wha-wha-when- nau - nau -nau-nau- now ? ' '
The blacksmith said, " Nau-nau-nau-nau-nau-not-
now. It-it-it-is-is-is-co-co-co -cold. ' '
Dr, Brown went out in the country. He fell in a
well and was drowned. They got him. out and
brought him back to town. The people didn't show
him a bit of sympathy. They said he ought to have
been attendmg to the sick, and let the well alone.
54 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
While I was down there a fellow accused me of
stealing his shirt and pawningit. "Yes," hesaid, "you
stole my shirt and pawned it." I said, " No, I didn't
steal your shirt and pawn it, and I can prove it."
He said, "Well, then prove it." I unbuttoned my
vest and showed him his shirt, and I proved to him I
hadn't pawned it.
It is remarkable how many shirts you can get out
of one yard, providing you get in the right yard.
" I was down by your house today."
"Why didn't you come in?" ,
" I would, only I didn't know where you lived."
" I met you on the street today."
"Why didn't you speak to me?"
"I would, but I didn't know you."
"Who was that lady I saw you with?"
"That wasn't a lady, that was my wife,"
"I never see you any more, where do you keep
yourself?"
"Up at the butcher shop."
"There ain't no fun at the butcher shop."
" They are all the time cutting up."
"How is your wife?"
"She's in good spirits."
"She is?"
"Yes, she's dead."
" I thought you just said she was in good spirits? "
"She is. She's preserved in alcohol."
"How is your wife?"
" She is sick lying at death's door. I went to see
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 55
a doctor; he said he thought he could pull her
through."
" Have you any children?"
"Five."
"All Uving?"
"Three are."
"Where are the other two?"
"They are in Omaha."
" Have you any children?"
" One cute little boy, and he looks just like me."
" Well, I wouldn't let that worry me, if I was you.
The boy can't help it. Probably he will grow over
it."
"Do you remember that little dog of mine? He
is dead."
"I suppose he died the same old way, swallowed
a tape line and died by inches?"
" Oh, no. He went up the alley and died by the
yard."
" There has been a remarkable thing happened up
in our neighborhood. A little baby gained fifteen
pounds in three weeks."
"That isn't anything remarkable. Up in our
neighborhood a baby gained seventy-five potmds
in three weeks."
"That was remarkable."
"What did they feed that baby on?"
"Elephant's milk."
"Who did the baby belong to?"
"The elephant."
"Do you know that in San Francisco there is a
doctor that raises babies in an incubator ? Isn't that
a wonderftU invention? Just think of it, raising
babies in an incubator."
$6 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
"Yes, just think of it. How would you like to
have to say your mother was an oil stove?"
"Speaking of inventions, some of the large cities
of the east have adopted a new method of sweeping
the streets. They use ladies' corsets. They say
that they gather in the waste better."
" I see by the papers that there has been a corset
trust formed. That's a trust you can't bust. It
has come to stay and it will squeeze the people."
Speaking of trusts. There is the beef trust ; they
say it's a bully thing but we should steer clear of it.
They have raised the price of meat -.:ntil it's getting
so a working man can't eat meat ; the nearest he can
come to eating meat is oxtail ".oup and beef tongue ;
that is the only way he can make both ends meet.
The working man will have to economize. He
should let his wife do the cooking, then he won't eat
half so much.
Just the other day my wife went downtown and
paid twenty dollars for an embroidered handker-
chief. I told her that twenty dollars was too much
to blow in.
" I saw a terrible thing happen as I was coming
down the street today, A trolley wire came down
and fell across a horse's neck and killed him in-
stantly."
"That's nothing, I was coming down the street
the other day, seven trolley wires came down and
fell across my neck and didn't kill me."
"Didn't you know that rubber was a non-con-
ductor?"
"I suppose you laave traveled a good deal?"
"Yes all over the world. I crossed the dead sea
before it died."
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 57
"Have you ever been to Turkey?"
"Yes."
"How did you like Turkey?"
"Stuffed with oysters."
" Have you ever been to China? "
"Yes, I just went over to Peek-in."
"Tell me something of China."
" Do you know that in China they take all the little
baby girls out in the middle of the river in a boat and
throw them overboard and let the lobsters get them?
It is different in this country. They wait till they
grow up. Then the lobsters get them."
I have a brother that looks just like me. We look
so much alike you can't tell one from the other. He
had a job down town working in a big store. He
started in at the bottom of the ladder. He worked
himself up round by round. When he reached the
top of the ladder they gave him the windows to
wash. He didn't like that job, so he quit. He
started out to hunt another job. He went to a place
and asked a man for a job. The man said, " I want
to see how much you know. I will just ask you three
questions. If you answer them I will give you a job.
The first question is, how many comers has the moon
got?" He couldn't answer that one. Then he
said, "How many stars are there?" He couldn't
answer that. Then he said, "What am I thinking
about ? ' ' He didn't know that one either. Then he
said, "I will give you until 10 o'clock tomorrow to
study on those questions. If you come back then
and answer them, I will give you the job. " He said,
"All right." He came home and told me about it.
I said, " I have got an idea. We look so much alike
he can't tell us apart. I will go down there and an-
58 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
swer the questions. He will think it's you, and I
will get the job. He said, "All right." Next day
I went down. He said, " Have you come to answer
the questions ? " I said, ' ' Yes. ' ' He said, ' ' The first
question is, how many comers has the moon got?"
I said, " Six." I knew he didn't know, so he had to
take my word for it. He said, " How many stars are
there?" I said, "Four hundred and seventy-five
million, six hundred and eighty-three thousand,
seven hundred and sixty-five. If you don't believe
me, go out and count them yourself." Of course he
didn't want to do that. He said, "This is the last
one. I guess I have got you now. What am I
thinking about? " I said, " You think you are talk-
ing to my brother, but you ain't." I got the job.
My brother looks so much like me I put my money
in his pocket.
While walking along the street today I saw what
I call a disgusting sight; it was a woman that had
fallen so low as to come upon the public thorough-
fare wearing a motherhubbard with the four comers
blowing to the wind. Just think of a woman having
no more pride and self respect for herself than to
come upon the street wearing a motherhubbard. I
never struck a woman in my life but if I should ever
catch my wife on the street wearing a motherhub-
bard, I think I would walk up to her and give her a
belt.
Women are very peculiar. You never can under-
stand them. Not long ago I went home. My wife
was gone and the door was locked. I went down
through the coal hole and up through the cellar, got
a ladder and^jerawled through the transom, found a
note on the table from my wife saying I would find
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 59
the key vtnder the mat on the front door step.
My wife is a lovely cook. I have eaten several of
her dishes, such as cold shoulder and hot tongue.
She can't stand flattery though. I called her honey.
The next day she thought she had the hives.
WEAEING A MOTHEB-HTJBBAED ON THE STREET
The other day I was out in the alley and found a
twenty dollar gold piece. I came home and told my
wife about it. Now she is suing me for a divorce
and alley-money.
You take a woman and she will go around town all
day. She comes home in time to get the supper.
She has a lot of samples to show you. You take, a
6o On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
man when he has been around town all day, he comes
home in the evening, just look at the samples he will
bring. That is about the only time his wife wants
to .kiss him. She wants to see what kind of samples
he has been getting.
Women go to the theaters night after night just to
see what the other women wear. It is different
with the men. They go there just to see what they
don't wear.
I think women would make better soldiers than
men. They are more used to powder. One woman
told me she just used a little bit to keep away the
chaps, I thmk it is just to draw them on.
You take the women, they are always talking
about the men.
If you see two or three women talking on the
street comer they are talking about the men.
I went to church last Sun<^y. All the yotmg la-
dies in the choir sang, " Only for a mansion in the
sky." That shun in the sky was all a bluff. All
they wanted was the man. When they got through
all the old maids said, "A-man."
When a girl laughs she always says " He-he-he."
You never saw a man laugh and say, " She-she-she."
Speaking of women. Boys let me give you a little
advice, never marry a harness-maker's daughter
for you never know how sadly will be your fate until
you have been led to the halter. If you try to hold
a tight rein on her something may come upon the
spur of the moment and you would get bit. She
may be a little sulky, her bed may be a little buggy,
and she may have a wagen tongue. She may not
be well spoken of. Other fellows may spring up
and you \^ould soon tire of that.
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 6i
Whenever I go dovm town in the evening I al-
ways make it a point to get home at a reasonable
hour so as not to keep my wife up late. The last
evening I was down town I took home an awful big
load. I think it was the biggest load I ever carried
and I have carried some pretty big loadg, When I
got home my wife met me at the door and said,
"What time is it?" I said, "Just eleven o'clock."
Jiist then the old clock struck two; She said, " You
have lied to me. You told me it was eleven o'clock
and the old family clock has contradicted you. It
has struck two and proved to me that you Imve lied.
Ain't you ashamed of yourself? To come home this
time of the night drunk and lie to your poor wife like
this? Yes, sir, you have lied to me. The old clock
has proven to me that you have lied." I couldn't
stand it any longer, I comnnenced to cry, I said,
" I 'm not ciying because you have scolded me. It is
not because I have come home drunk. It is not be-
cause my conscience hurts me. We have been mar-
ried nigh on to fifteen years, I have always been a
good, kind and loving husband, and to think after
all I have done for you, you believe an old three dol-
lar clock before you would your husband."
We have got a boy. His name is Harry. He don't
mind very welL The other day his mother started to
whip him. He ran out in the yard and crawled un-
der the house. She went out and tried to coax him
to come out. She told me about it. I went out and
crawled under the house to get him to come out.
He looked at me and said, " What's the matter,
papa, is mamma after you too?"
My wife sent oui boy down to the butcher shop
to see if the butcher had pig's feet. He came home
62 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
and told his mother he couldn't tell, as the butcher
had on his shoes.
I went down to the butcher shop, called for ten
cents' worth of dog meat. The butcher looked at
me and said, " Shall I wrap it up, or do you want to
eat it here?"
"What was all that old scrap iron I saw you
wearing the other day?"
" That was the medals I got for being in the war."
" This government don't give medals for running."
" I fought all through the war."
' ' I was shot in the head over twenty years ago. It
was only yesterday I was seized with a severe spell
of coughing and coughed up the bullet."
"You say you were shot in the head over twenty
years ago and coughed up the bullet yesterday?"
"Yes, sir."
"That goes to show me how long it takes any-
thing to goi through your head."
"It is the first time I ever heard of your cough-
ing up anything."
" I was all through the war. I was at the battle of
Santiago. I was first sturgeon."
"You mean first sergeant."
' ' I was one of the brave soldiers. I was what they
call a picket soldier. I was doing picketing, I
picked so many chickens I was afraid to go to bed at
night. I was afraid I wotdd lay there. While I
was fighting at the battle of Santiago fifteen balls
pierced my manly bosom."
"And didn't kill you?"
"No."
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw O3
"How was that?"
"They were codfish balls. One ball went right
through me and killed another man. They had me
arrested for murder. They said it was through me
the other man got killed. I was where the bullets
were the thickest. They were just rolling all over
me. There was a hole in the bottom of the ammu-
nition wagon."
" Supposing you had seen the enemy coming to-
wards you, would you have formed a line?"
"Yes, I would have drawn a hne, a bee line for
home."
"In France the soldiers all wear armor for protec-
tion to save their lives. In this country Armour
killed all of our soldiers."
"What is you business?"
"I am a Life Saver."
" I would like you to tell me of a case where you
ever saved any lives."
" Only a short time ago I was strolling along the
beach at Boston, picking up a few shells."
"Did you pick up the right one?"
"I saw coming toward me three people. They
had their hands in their pockets."
"They were onto you."
" Presently I looked out into the Bay, just as I did
I saw a boat capsize. I saw the people struggling
in the water. I swam ut and rescued them one by
one.- When I had brought the last one, a lady, safely
to shore, I looked out in the Bay and saw floating
on top of the water what looked to me to bp a lady's
head. I swam out to it, and to my surprise it was a
iady's switch. I brought it to shore and handed it
to the lady. She thanked me."
04 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaiv
"So you say you are a life saver. I would call
you a hair restorer."
" Do you remember old Deacon Jones ? He is still
living. Do you remember his son Abe? He was a
good-for-nothing sort of fellow. Abe gave the old
man a great deal of trouble. The deacon got terrible
THE PEEACHSBS
mad at Abe one day and told him to leave the house,
and never come back. Yes, he told him to go to the
real place. He said, ' Go down there and never come
back.' Abe went away. They never heard any-
thing more from him until one night last winter.
The deacon had invited all the preachers in the sur-
rounding cotuitry to the house. It was a bitter cold
night. All the preachers were sitting around the
store when they heard a knock at the door. The
deacon got up and went to the door and there stood
peer Ab«, cold and shivering. The deacon said.
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaiv 65
'Where have you been?' He said, 'Where you
told me, down there.' ' How did you find things
down there?' 'Just Hke they are here at home, so
many preachers there I couldn't get to the fire.'
CONUNDRUMS.
Did you ever hear the story about the mountain ?
No, I never did. It's all blufE.
Did you ever hear the story about the cliff? It's
just bluff.
How is the best way to keep friends ? Treat them
kindly? No, often.
How is the best way to find a man out. Go to his
house when he ain't at home.
Why is a kiss over a telephone like a straw hat?
Because it isn't felt.
If you were hungry where would you go to get
something to eat? To the Sandwich Islands.
If the ice wagon weighs two thousand pounds,
what does the man on the hind end of the wagon
weigh? He weighs ice.
Suppose you were out in the middle of the river
in a boat, you had a box of cigars and you wanted to
smoke, you didn't have any matches, what would you
do for a light? I would take a cigar out of the box,
that would make the box a cigar lighter.
Do you know that the United States has a lot of
relations? England is the mother, George Wash-
ington is the father, New Jersey is an Aunt, Carry
Nation is another relation to this great nation.
Scotland grows the thistle,
England grows the rose,
Ireland grpws the shamrock.
And the Sheaey grows the nose
66 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
I am in a good business now ; I am in the chicken
business. At first I fed my chickens on commeal
and sawdust. They done fine, in fact they done so
well I cut out the cornmeal altogether and just fed
them on sawdust. Then they didn't do so well ; one
hen laid a knot-hole ; another laid a two-inch board ;
I thought they were going to lay out a whole set of
fiuniture. Every time I tried to eat any of the eggs
I would get my mouth full of splinters.
My brother he is very lucky. He was going down
the street and fell in a coal hole. He sued the city
for ten thousand dollars, and got it. i was going
down the street ; I fell in a coal hole ; got arrested
for stealing coal.
" Did you ever go to school? "
"Yes."
"I use to go to High School. The one upon the
hill."
" What branches did you study?"
' ' Most all of them. Hickory, ash and walnut . ' '
"What class was you in?"
" I was in the B class. The reason they put me
in the B class was because I had the hives."
"I will see how you are on spelling. Spell ' Blind
Pig.'"
"B-1-i-n-d p-g."
"Why did you leave the 'I' out?"
" Because the pig w?)> blind and didn't have any
eye."
"How are you on singing?"
"I used to sing in the queer."
" You mean the quire."_^
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 67
"I sang so queer they didn't 'quire me any
longer."
" Did you ever go out to Denver Colar and Elbow?
That's a great place to go and get cured of con-
sumption. I know a lady that went out there. She
only had one lung. She stayed six months and
came home with two."
" That's nothing. I know a Dutchman that went
out there and he only had one lung. He stayed six
months; came home with three."
"How was that?"
" He got married out there and brought his wife
back. She had two lungs and he had one. That
made three."
"I suppose you have heard of the Rocky Moun-
tains?"
"Yes."
"I painted them,"
" I heard Pike's Peak about that."
"I have got a good job now."
"What are you doing?"
"I am draughtsman in a bank."
"What do you have to do?"
"Open and shut the windows."
"My father used to rtm a bank. I was dealer."
" I have got a good job. I am doing short hand in
a livery stable. Am taking down hay for the
horses."
" Do you know that all great men are some kind
of a bug? You take President Roosevelt. He is a
big gold bug. You take Bryan, he is a big silver
bug. Hobson, he is a kissing bug. Dewey is a
lightning bug, and you are a humbug."
" I suppose you would call yoxirself a big bed bug.''
68 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
" I got into trouble the other day, I got Jimmy
Jinks to plead my case."
"Jimmy Jinks ain't old enough to plead a case.
He is only sixteen years old."
"I know he is twenty-one,"
" I say ne is only sixteen, for I was up to his house
and looked in the old family Bible and saw written
in black ink where he was sixteen, and you can't
scratch that out."
'' I know he has had the seven-year itch three dif-
ferent times and you can't scratch that out,"
I used to know a girl her name was May, May
was a lovely girl, I took her to the theater one
night. And after the show we went into the reS'
taurant to get something to eat. May she ordered
two birds. After supper we ordered something to
drink, she wanted me to give her a toast. I said,
" I am just as happy as two birds in May,"
I took her for a ride in an automobile. We had
only gone about three blocks when we ran into a
telegraph pole. We went up in the air about fifty
feet. We came down so fast we both changed our
nationality coming down. I came down a Russian.
She fell across a telegraph wire and came down a
pole. When she fell it didn't hurt her a bit. She
was full of safety pins.
I was down to her house one evening; we were
sitting in the parlor. She called me her little shin-
ing lamp. We said a few words, then she turned me
down. Her father came in; he wanted to put me
out. Her brother wanted to trim me. Just to
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 65
show them I was game, I went out smoking. Ther
they said I was wicked.
Her father came right behind me. I ran up the
alley. The old man was right after me. I couldn't
see him, but I could feel his foot. I ran until I came
to a high board fence. I made up my mind I
HOW WE BOTH CAMS DOWN
wouldn't run any further. I would turn around and
fight him. I put up my dukes. I was looking for
an opening ; that is, in the fence. He put his fist in
my eye. When he took it away my eye was black.
I told him he couldn't do that to the other eye. Well,
when I got out of the hospital I was sorry I said it.
It wa^ in St. Louis I started for the depot to catch
70 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
a train. I looked at my watch and saw that I had
just time to get there. I jumped in a cab, told the
driver to take me to the depot. After he had gone
for some distance I looked out and saw he was going
by. I hollered and told him to stop. He stuttered,
THE OLD MAN RAN ME UP THE ALLEY
and before he could say "whoa," he was four blocks
by. When I got back to the depot I was ten min-
utes late. My train had gone. I sat down to wait
for the next one. I saw a Jew rush up to the ticket
agent and say, "Gimme a ticket to Springfield."
The ticket agent said, "What Springfield? Spring-
field, Illinois, or Springfield Missouri?" The Jew
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 71
said, "Vitch is the sheapest?" An old man sitting
alongside of me said, "Are you acquainted here in
St. Loiiis?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you
know a man living here by the name of Smith? " I
said, "No, I never knew anybody by that name."
He said he used to know a man down in Georgia, up
nigh the Virginia line by the name of Smith. He
moved somewhere around here. There was an
Englishman sitting close to us. The old man asked
him if he lived in St. Louis. He said no, he lived in
London. The old man said, "London, London,
let's see, what part of C'^orgia is that in?" An old
lady rushed up to the a^pot master and said, "I
want to catch the 10 o'clock train." He said, " You
can't catch it. It has just pulled out." She said,
" It is too bad. There she goes. ' ' The depot master
said, the idea of her saying, 'there she goes.'" I
said, " She is perfectly right. She should say, ' there
she goes.'" He said, "Yes, but that was a mail
train."
I was riding on a street car, smoking a strong
cigar. A lady sitting alongside of me said, "Will
you please put out the cigar?" I put it out. I had
on a new shoe that was hurting my foot. I pulled
it off and began rubbing my foot. The lady said,
"Will you light the cigar?"
I was riding on a street car one time between Min-
neapolis and St. Paul. The car was crowded. There
was a lady standing in front of me with a pair of
skates hanging over her shoulder. I offered her my
72 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
seat. She said she didn't care to sit down as she had
been skating all day.
" Do you know, that you look like Bamum's mon-
key?"
" Look here, sir, I can stand to be called most any-
thing, but when you come to say I look like Bar-
num's monkey you will have to apologize. Yes, sir ;
you will have to apologize."
"All right, I will apologize."
"When?"
" Just as soon as I see f- monkey."
" What do you take r:e for, a fool? "
" No, I never judge a man by his looks,"
" Look here, sir, I want you to quit ridiculing and
making fun of me. I picked you up out of the gut-
ter and have tried to make a man out of you. I've
done everything I could to help you along. I have
even put up with your looks in order to make some-
thing out of you. I have went so far as to give up
my beer and free lunch routes in order to look after
you; and now, after all I have done for you, I un-
derstand that you said I wasn't fit to live with the
hogs. What have you to say for yourself?"
"I didn't say you wasn't fit to live with the hogs.
I didn't say that at all. I stuck up for you. I said
you was fit to live with the hogs."
While traveling through the state of Missouri a
few years ago, I stopped at a place where the old sol-
diers were holding a reunion. There was a crippled
soldier in the crowd. He was pretty badly crippled^
74 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
Some grape shot had hit him in the face and knocked
all of one side of it off. He had lost one leg and
both arms. He had a hook on one arm and a basket
hung on it. He was passing it arotmd among the
soldiers and they were donating very liberally. When
anyone would drop anything in the basket he would
say, "Thank you,. comrade, thank you." He came
to where a fellow was reading a paper. The fellow
just ran his hand in his pocket, pulled out five
dollars and dropped it in the basket. He said,
"Thank you, comrade", take out your change." He
said, " Keep it." He said, "What regiment do you
belong toi*" He said, "None." "Why are you so
liberal then? " He said, " Because you are the first
Yankee I ever saw that was trimmed up just to suit
me, and when I see one I am willing to pay for it."
Do you know that England outdoes every other
country. She has many things to boast of.
What have you in England that we haven't got in
this country?
We have got Lords.
What is that?
They are men that don't work.
We have got lots of them in this country. We
don't call them lords, though.
What do you call them?
Tramps.
We have got policemen in England that stand six
feet high in their stocking feet.
That is nothing. We have policemen in this
country that stand six feet high and never had a
sock on.
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 75
In England we have got great trees that grow one
hundred feet high. There are deer that nin through
them with horns ten feet across.
In this coimtry we have got trees that grow three
hvindred feet high and only two feet apart. There
are deers that run through these trees that have
horns twenty feet, across.
How do they do it?
They wait until spring, then the trees leave.
In England we have parks that are so large that
it takes six weeks to go through them.
We have got, right here in Chicago, alleys that
the health officers never go through.
Speaking of remarkable things, Montana has
Great Falls.
I have got an uncle. He is an engineer on a
passenger train. He is an awful smart man. He
uses great judgment when anything happens and
always does the right thing. Not long ago while he
was running sixty miles an hour he looked out and
saw right ahead of the engine a little girl sitting
on the track. He knew he couldn't stop in time to
save her, so he took a big rope he had on the engine,
tied one end around the smoke stack, threw the
other end over a. telegraph pole, jerked the train off
the track, saved the little girl's life, and killed fifty
Swedes.
My uncle had another thrilling experience not long
ago. He has got long gray whiskers. While he was
running seventy miles an hour he saw a little baby
76 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
sitting on the track just ahead of the engine. He
knew he couldn't stop in time, so he rushed out on
the front end of the engine. He crawled down on
the end of the cow catcher ; he held on with one hand ;
then he made a grab for the little baby, and what
do you suppose happened? The wind blew through
his whiskers.
A THRILLING ADVENTtfEE
You talk about fast riding. I have had some great
experience in that line. I remember one time I was
seated in the smoking room of the sleeper when the
question was asked how fast are we running. There
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw -j)
was a difEerence in opinions of the speed. One fel-
low said he thought the train was making sixty
miles an hour. He said it was the fastest he had
ever rode. Another fellow said he had rode a great
deal faster. He said that he had a girl living at a
little town on the line. He was to pass through
there on a certain date and wrote his girl to be at
the depot to meet him. He was on the train of that
date, but it was a fast train and didn't stop at his
girl's town. Just before he got there he went out on
the platform, got down on the bottom step so he could
kiss his girl as he went by. Just as he did the train
whistled. He saw his girl standing on the platform.
He swung out and tried to kiss her as he went by.
The train was running so fast that instead of kissing
his girl he kissed a cow five miles away.
Another fellow spoke up and said that wasn't as
fast as he had rode. He said he rode so fast that
he couldn't see the towns as he went through. We
said, "Was that because you were going so fast?"
He said, " No, it was because he was locked up in a
box car." I said, "You have told about your fast
trains, I wiU tell you about a long train I rode on.
It was so long the engine passed the depot on time.
It was running fifty miles an hour ; when the caboose
went by it was an hour and a half late,"
CONUNDRUMS.
Did you ever hear the story about the bed? No,
I never did. That's whei-e you he.
When is a horse not a korse? When he is turned
tnto a pasture.
78 On A Slmv Train Through Arkansaw
What is a pig doing when he is eating? He is
making a hog of himself.
Why do people in Kansas build their pig pens in
the north side of the yard? To keep the pigs in, of
course.
Why does a dentist put his teeth in a show case?
So the people can see the teeth. No, it is so they
can pick their teeth.
I know a man that shaves twenty times a day.
Who is it? The barber.
They are laying for you. Who? The hens.
I went out in the yard to get something. Picked
it up, looked for it, and couldn't find it; came in the
house, put my foot down, picked it up again, looked
for it and f otmd it . What was it ? It was a splinter.
Looks hke a cat, walks like a cat, eats like a cat,
and it ain't a cat. What is it? It's a kitten.
What is a kiss? Nothing divided by two.
Kiss an old maid once — she screams with delight.
Kiss her twice — she will stay up all liight,
Kiss her three times — she hollers for more,
She knows how it is, for she has been there before.
I ain't coming over to your house any more.
Why so?
I was coming over to your house yesterday to
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 79
borrow your cook stove, and your bull dog ran me
up an apple tree.
My bull dog won't bite. He is fond of children.
I know he is, for I missed two of mine.
He win eat from your hand.
Yes, and he will eat from your leg, too.
I saw him when he was after you. He was actual-
ly wagging his tail.
Yes, and he was barking at the same time. I
didn't know which end to believe.
Do you remember that horse you sold me?
Yes, and I told you he was a good horse, but he
didn't look good.
I hitched him up to the buggy the other day and
he ran into everjrthing he came to. I got out and
looked at his eyes and saw he was blind.
Don't you remember, I told you he was a good
horse, but he didn't look good?
Do you remember that hen you sold me ? There is
something wrong with her. Every day we find her
egg broken on the ground.
That is easily accounted for. While the other
hens are at work that hen gets up on the roost and
lays off.
Do you know that your brother is crooked?
How is that?
Me and your brother went in the cattle business.
We only had ten dollars apiece.
You couldn't buy many cattle with only ten dol-
lars apiece.
We only bought one cattle. We divided our busi-
ness. The head part was to be mine, the hind part
So On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
was to be his. I had to feed my part. He milked
his part and wouldn't give me any of the milk. I got
even with him. I killed my part and his part died.
That's why I say he's crooked.
That's a nice suit of clothes you've got on. Where
did you get it?
My tailor in New York made it. That's a nice
siut you've got on. Where did you get it?
Carrie Nation made it.
Carrie Nation isn't a tailor.
Yes she is, didn't she make all the saloon men
close?
My wife used to pick my clothes.
My wife used to pick my pants.
This morning I pumped for a half an hour and
couldn't get any water. Can you tell me what was
the matter?
The sucker was on the wrong end.
You ought to sleep good, you lie so easy.
How is your father?
He is dead.
How did he die, for want of breath?
He died a lying.
He kept up the same old business.
He knew within thirty minutes of the time of his
death.
Who told him, the sheriff? I remember your
father and some more men went out west to buy up
horses, The other men came Vack. Your father's
a. hanging around out there sor ewhere yet
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 81
My father was a lightning calculator. He could
figure up any sum in his head. He didn't have to
use a pencil and paper to figure up an3rthing. All
he had to do was to scratch his head and he had it.
Didn't they ever get away?
My father was a very peculiar man. He wouldn't
eat fish. In fact he couldn't stand the smell of fish.
We couldn't have fish in the house where he was at
all. One morning he came down stairs and said to
mother, " I thought I told you not to cook any more
fish." She said, " I am not cooking fish." He said,
" I know you are, for I smell fish." She said, " That
isn't fish you smell, it's the perch in the bird cage."
Father had been reading a great deal in the papers
about Carrie Nation breaking up joints out west.
He thought he would go out and help her. He got
ah ax and started down the street with it on his
shoulder. He slipped and fell and broke his leg right
next to one of the lowest joints in town. The ax
flew off the handle the same time father did. It went
up in the air and came 'down and stuck in the top
of his head. He was laying there on the sidewalk.
The people all gathered up around him. Some said
it was suicide; some said it was an accident; I said
it was the first time anything like that had ever en-
tered father's head. My father was a great wrestler.
He could throw most anybody down. He threw
his whole family down and everybody he owed. The
last wrestle he took was with a milk wagon. He
grabbed at the wagon and fell in the spring. _ He
went to see a doctor. The doctor told him if he
82 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
hadn't of fell in the spring the fall would have killed
him.
There was a terrible accident down at the railroad
the other day.
What was it?
A fellow was -lying on the railroad track; a train
came along and cut all of his left side off. They
took him to the hospital and he got fixed up. Now
he is all right.
I was standing in the hotel office the other day
when a man rushed up to the proprietor and said,
"I'll bet you ten dollars the next President is a repub-
lican." He wouldn't bet. The fellow rushed up to
the clerk and wanted to bet him that the next Presi-
dent would be a democrat. He wanted to bet me
that the next President would be a populist. I
wouldn't bet either.
Did he get taken up?
Yes,
Who by?
The elevator boy.
A friend of mine got part of his hand cut off the
other day. He has a good job now. He is doing
shorthand.
Suppose you were out in a boat with your wife
and mother, and the boat should strike a snag and
sink. Who would you save, your wife or mother?
In that case I would save my mother.
That is right. The world is full of women. You
could easily get another wife, but where, oh where,
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 83
under the great canopy of heaven, could you ever
get another good, kind and loving mother?
Suppose you were out in a boat with your wife
and mother-in-law and the boat should strike a snag
and sink. Who would you save? Your wife or
mother-in-law?
I would save the snag. The world is full of
women. You could easily get another wife and
mother-in-law, but where, oh, where imder the great
tin can of New Hampshire, could you get another
good, kind and loving snag?
Not very long ago I was out boat riding. There
were seventeen people in the boat. The boat cap-
sized. We were all struggling in the water. I took
out a bar of soap and washed ashore.
People are getting very strong nowadays. I saw
two men go out in a boat and pull up the river.
Are you married?
Yes, I have been married three times. Next July
I am going to celebrate the Fourth. My last wife
has got black eyes. I give them to her fresh every
morning. I see your wife wears bloomers.
She has got a perfect right.
How about her left ?
By the way, who were those two young ladies I
saw you on the street with?
Oh, did you see me?
I should say I did. You are a sly old fox. By
the way, do they paint?
One of them does; the other one gives music
lessons.
84 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
Did you hear about the big fire?
What was it?
A rubber store burned. My brother was working
in it. He was in the tenth story when he discovered
it was on fire. My brother has great presence of
mind to act on the spur of the moment. He put on
a pair of rubber boots and another pair and another
pair until he had on twenty pairs. Then he went
to the front window and jumped out. When he
struck the ground he bounced up as high as the
building and came down and bounced up again. He
bounced up and down for twenty-four hours. We
had to get a gun and shoot the poor fellow to keep
him from starving to death.
That's nothing. My brother was working up in
the soap factory. He was up in the fifteenth story
when he discovered it ■w^as on fire. My brother, he
has great presence of mind to act quickly on the
spur of the moment. Just think of it. My brother
up in the fifteenth story of the building with it all
on fire. What do you suppose he did?
What did he do?
He just picked up a bar of soap and came down
the lather.
I took a trip out west to the Pacific Coast. I went
out by the way of that big Mormon town. The one
they call Salt Lake City. That is a fine place to live
in. You can have just as many girls there as you
want to, and they don't get jealous. I would rather
be a lamp post in Salt Lake City than to be the
Mayor of Oklahoma City. If I had a ticket for
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw . 85
Salt Lake City and one for Heaven I think I would
go to Salt Lake.
While on my trip I met a young lady on the train.
She said she was from down in Knebrasky ; said
she was going out nigh Seattle. She said her uncle
had writ her to come out. I told her that was a
IN SALT LAKE CITS
pretty nice country out here. She said that was
what she 'lowed; said she took the bed car one
night. She says, "We are running a pretty good
hick'rynow, youcan't hardly countthetrees." About
that time the conductor came through and said,
" Let down your windows, we are coming to a tun-
nel." She wanted to know which side it was on ?
86 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaiv
When we got to the tunnel she said, " What is the
rules out in this coimtry ? You take it back in Kne-
brasky when a girl is talking to a boy you had to
have a lamp burning or you was talked about." I
said, "The rules is out here to blow it out." She
said, "You seem to understand the rules tolerably
well." I guess she thought I was going to talk love
to her. She said she was done already promised to
one man back in Knebrasky.
The next morning when I woke up I looked out
and said, ' ' We are in Oregon. ' ' A fellow said, ' ' How
do you know?" I said, " Because it's raining." I
looked to see if I had my umbrella with me. I knew
if they caught me in Oregon without an umbrella I
would be arrested. Speaking about umbrellas, that
is something everybody knows how to raise in
Oregon.
There was a fellow on the train from Tom Bean
County, Texas. He had never been shod, when-
ever he laughed he would shed Texas stears. He
said he came over that route by the way of Pieblo
and Pocotolo; said he had to change cars and lie
over night at Pieblo; said he didn't like the kind
of tavern rules they had in Pieblo. He said the
one he stopped at they made him write his name in
a big book, and there was some writing in the room
that said, " Don't blow out the gas" ; said he didn't
blow it out and they charged him two dollars for
letting it bum.
He said down whar he came from everybody car-
ried a pistol. He said his uncle came out to the
west on a emogrunt train in the early days and fit
<0n A Stow Train Through Arkansaw 87
'^^^ ^^=^
FROM TEXAS. HE WAS THE LIMIT
HE WOULD OP DONE TO OF HODE ON THE SLOW TBAIN
88 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
the Indians at Tacoma. He said the people at Ta-
coma wanted his uncle to stay there and settle, he
said, after his tincle came back to Texas. ^ They
liked him so well they rit him several letters asking
him to come back and settle. Said his pap had fit
all through the war.
I said, " The war is most all forgotten about now."
He said, "No, it wasn't forgotten about for his
pap had fit all through it." He said, "besides his
sister Samanthy had picked up with one of them
Yankee soldiers and married him and they moved
out here to a place called Spooken Falls. I don't
suppose you ever heard of that place before but it's
out here somewhere for Sister Samanthy writ a
letter and said it was in Washington up near the
Canadian line. He said he would like to know what
kind of a place it was. A gentleman sitting in the
next seat told him that Spokane was a good place to
go through after night, providing you don't stop
over ten minutes.
I used to think that all the funny things happened
in Arkansaw. But after seeing the man from Texas
I came to the conclusion that Arkansaw wasn't the
only pebble on the beach. For there is a round rock
in Texas.
The way they catch fish in the Columbia River,
mostly they club them to death. Men get two dol-
lars and a half a day for clubbing salmon. Some
places along the river they use what is called fish
wheels. They are big wheels that are turned by the
current of the water, but a great deal of the time the
wheels refuse to turn on account of the salmon
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 89
coming so thick that they block the wheels. I
thought that was a fish story, but they showed me.
There are many points of interest along that line.
I remember some of them. Multnomah Falls for
one. They are eight hundred and sixty feet high.
The train stopped right opposite the Falls so as to
THE WAY THEY CATCH FISH ON THE COLUMBL*
give all the passengers a chance to see them. While
we were stopped there gczing upon that marvelous
sight, the conductor was telling us all about them.
He said, " Do you all see that log running out from
the top of the falls?" W^ ;ould all see it. He said,
"Not very long ago, a young lady walked out on
yo On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
the end of that log; it broke off with her. She
fell to the bottom eight hundred and sixty feet be-
low." An old lady said, " I suppose she was man-
gled?" The conductor said, "No, just a sprained
ankle was all." She said, "How was that?" He
said, "When she fell her dress just formed a para-
chute."
MULTNOMAH FALLS, 860 FEET HIGH
When the train started the conductor told the
young lady from Knebrasky that she would have to
change cars at Portland for Seattle. She said, "Is
that on the map?" The conductor got mad and
walked away, and wouldn't answer the question.
Un A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 91
A gentleman sitting across the way that runs a
big brewery at Portland said, "Young lady, what
was it you wanted to know?" She said, "The con-
ductor told me that I would have to change cars at
Portland to go to Seattle. I would like to know
where that is." He said it was right next to his
brewery.
Then she cried I will Seattle,
As she arose Tacoma hair,
But her Butte was in Montana,
Beneath a Tombstone in Arizona.
Then she cried Walla Walla
I am going to the St. Louis fair,
But if I ware my New Jersey,
What will Delaware.
When the sun shines in Portland they always take
a photograph of it. When I was there the latest
picture of the sun was nine months old. I asked a
fellow in Portland what the people did when it
rained so much. He said they just let it rain.
I saw a lady with a cataract on her eye, a ripple
in her hair, a creek in her back, a spring in her dress
and a notion in her head.
While I was in Portland I met a friend of mine.
He invited me out to his house for dinner. He told
me he lived at 2^ Mud Street.
I asked him where that was.
He said it was 2.30 Clay after a heavy rain.
It rained so much while I was in Portland that
my money was wet. It was due in the morning and
missed in the evening. Yes, it does rain a great
deal in Portland, but with aU the rain it is a beautiful
place. The sun is out of sight.
Mount Hood can be seen in the distance
reared in all her splendor, with her sky-piercing
y2 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
peak towering above the clouds capped with ever-
lasting snow, glittering and gleaming in all her
majestic grandeur, captivating and sublime.
While I was in Seattle a man asked me how I
v/ould like to go to Klondike and dig gold. I told
him I wouldn't mine. I thought I would go up there
and take the gold cure, only I was afraid the ice
PORTLAND, OREGON
would make funny cracks at me. I think all poor
people ought to go to Alaska. They can cut just
as much ice up there as anybody. They can walk
arotmd with the seals. I went up there with a friend
of mine. He had been there before and located a
claim. He gave me half interest in it. We had lots
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 93
o. noney in oiir mind. I was in the mining business
in Alaska. I was mining my own business. Alaska
is the coldest place I ever saw. While I was there a
man set a bucket of boiling water outside to cool.
He left it for two minutes ; when he came back the
water was froze ; the ice was still warm. Whenever
a man goes to Alaska and makes any money he has
to come down to Seattle and get it thawed out.
While I was in Dawson City there was a man froze
to death. They decided they would cremate him.
They fired up the crematory. When it got red
hot they put him in the oven. After he had been
in there for several hours they supposed he had
been thoroughly cremated. They opened the door.
When they did they saw him sitting up in one cor-
ner of the oven with his coat on. He said, " Shut
that door. This is the first time I have been warm
since I have been in Alaska."
Me and my uncle left New York for Seattle. We
had three million dollars between us. That is, be-
tween us and Seattle. When we got to Seattle we
spent the three million the first night. Then we
woke up.
Seattle is a great place. It is different from any
place I ever saw. It gets so foggy there you can't
see attle. You can travel over there for miles and
miles without riding on a railroad train, street car
or hack. You can go from Seattle to Alaska by
sound. Seattle is a very pretty place. They say-
it is a prettier place than Portland because it is
laid out nicer, but you wait till Portland has been
dead as long as Seattle and she'll be laid out just as
nice. Whenever the people in Seattle want to take
a trip to the country and have a nice quiet time,
94 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw
they go to Port Townsend. That is a good town to
sleep in. It is so quiet, no steam whistles or any
thing to bother you.
I went from Seattle to San Francisco by steamer.
It is a delightful trip going down. As I went down
everjrthing seemed to be coming up. When you get
your ticket that includes a trip up and down between
Seattle and San Francisco ; you go up and down on the
same trip. I have always heard you couldn't get
full on water, but that is a mistake ; you can get just
as full on water as you can on land. The fellow that
was in the next cell to me — I mean stateroom. I
was thinking about another trip I took one time. He
must have got terribly full from the way he coughed
up. If I had seen an island within five miles dis-
tance I think I would have jumped overboard and
took chances of swimming to it. The second day out
a young lady fell overboard. When she struck the
water a big shark came up and looked at her and
swam away and never bothered her. He was a man-
eating shark. After I landed at Frisco I Uved on
sea-food for three days. I could see it through the
windows. I got so hungry I could have eaten the
cracker off a whip. The fourth day I was there I
stopped at the Palace Hotel. When the clerk
showed me my room I had a notion to eat the jam
off the door. The landlord insulted me the first day.
He accused me of eating the soap. He told me I
stole the soap out of the washroom and ate it. I
told him I didn't eat the soap. He said, "Yes you
did, for I can see the lye on your lips." I went in
the caf6 and called for a drink. The bartender
asked me if I had any money. I told him that was
all right. When I poured out my drink the bar-
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 95
tender told me that I could buy whiskey cheaper
than the proprietor.
I went down to Frisco just for a little change and
a rest. The street-cars got the change and the hotels
got the rest.
I took a walk through China-town. I saw a China-
man fall down and break his ann just above the
opium joint. They picked him up and carried him
into the house. When they set him down he fell over
against the stove and hit the pipe.
I was walking along Market street without a thing
on my mind only my hat. When one of the prom-
inent men of the town spoke to me, he advised me to
leave town for my health. He said it wouldn't be
healthy for me if I stayed. So I decided I would go
and in order to see the scenery to a good advantage
I thought I would walk. As San Francisco is almost
stuTounded by water I had no choice of routes. I
naturally went south.
My first stop was San Jose, the garden spot of
California, ten girls to every boy. Every day there
is either ladies' day or bargain day. Boys, if you are
a little slow and can't catch a girl go to San Jose;
if you don't catch one there you are certainly a dead
one. I took a stroll through the park, I laid down
on the grass beneath a beautiful pahn to rest, I fell
asleep, I had a sweet dream, I dreamt I saw a beau-
tiful maiden coming towards me, I could feel her
soft hands upon me, I could feel her winding her
golden net around me, I thought she was going to
steal me. When I awoke the dog-catcher had me.
When I got to Los Angeles I got insulted.( As
quick as I stepped out of my special car they filled
it with sheep. I stayed there two years one sum-
96 On A Slow Train Through Arkansas
mer ; yes, it was all one summer, no winter. Every
day a holiday, one continual round of pleasure.
Now, as I have reached the land of sunshine, the ideal
spot, I will get a stop-over and take a rest.
In a little cemetery in a far western state lies a
brakeman who was killed in a wreck. Before start-
ing out on his last run he asked for rest, the company
being short of men his request could not be granted.
It was on a Decoration Day that myself and a few
more railroad boys went to the cemetery to place a
few flowers on his grave. When we came to it I saw
upon his monument this inscription: "Don't bother
me, I have kicked for rest."
This world is but a game of cards,
Which, each one must learn to play;
When hearts are trumps we play for love,
No sorrow mars our game.
When diamonds are trumps 'tis then we play for gold ;
Great fortunes are won and lost, we are told.
When clubs are trumps look out for war
On both land and sea. «
When spades are trumps our little game is played,
For the spade is saved to dig the gambler's grave.
Fare thee well, me lovely Arkansaw,
I bid thee adieu, adieu;
I may emigrate to Hell-ena, Montana,
But I'll never come back to you.
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